


five times taako doesn't listen, and one time he does

by nauticalwarrior



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: 5 Times, Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Spoilers for The Stolen Century, spoilers for the End, taako is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 04:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11844057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nauticalwarrior/pseuds/nauticalwarrior
Summary: ever since glamour springs, taako can't eat. he does, sometimes, because he has to be lucid enough to save the world.but he can't





	five times taako doesn't listen, and one time he does

**Author's Note:**

> ahhh this is shitty sorry
> 
> i just?? wanted to write it really bad. probably ooc and venting and projecting onto taako taaco but i. love this man and relate to him a lot
> 
> warnings for eating disorders, self loathing, all that stuff

Magnus is the first to notice, before Wave-echo Cave and the bureau. They’re sitting around the campfire, and Magnus and Merle are splitting a freshly roasted rodent of some kind. Taako is picking dirt from under his fingernails, pretending viciously that his stomach isn’t aching with hunger. Magnus lowers his stick of meat from his face and wipes off something glistening and oily, looking at Taako.

“Aren’t you hungry? We’ve been on the road all day and I haven’t seen you eat.” He’s curious, not accusatory and not concerned. They haven’t known each other long enough for concern. 

Taako shrugs. “I, unlike you, prefer not to eat mystery meat voluntarily.” And Magnus shrugs dismissively, taking another bite out of his dinner.

* * *

 

The next time, it’s not such an easy affair. Taako is exhausted, leaning back in his chair and waiting impatiently for Merle and Magnus to finish stuffing their faces so they can go on their group run to Fantasy Costco. Their last mission had been a huge bust-- no grand relic, and Taako got knocked out by a inconveniently falling rock on their way out of the cave they’d been searching through. Taken out on a mission where there weren’t even any enemies, save for an earthquake and an actually dead skeleton? Really impressive. Taako’s still kind of miffed about that. He leans back further, tilting his head back.

“Quit that.” Merle sounds annoyed. “Yer gonna fall over and bust yer stupid head again.”

Taako rolls his eyes, but puts his chair back on all four legs. “Whatever, old man.” He leans his arm on the table and rests his face in his hand, sighing. How long does it take these two to eat, anyway? Taako watches disinterestedly as Merle slides a up of what looks like cooked fruit across the table towards him.

“Eat up.” Merle is staring Taako straight in the eyes, his gaze level and stern.

“No thanks.” Taako sits up, folding his arms across his chest. “Taako’s good out here.”

“Oh, please. You were out like a light for half of yesterday; there’s no way you’re not hungry.” Merle rolls his eyes dramatically. “I don’t want to have to use up a spell slot because you passed out from hunger in the Fantasy Costco.” 

Taako glares daggers at Merle. “The food here is awful.” He takes the fruit cup anyway, making a big show of sniffing it and grimacing. It smells amazing, sweet like nectar and honey. He can’t have it. 

Magnus hops up. “I’ll get you a spoon!” Taako watches him dash across the cafeteria. 

“Why are you two being so weird?” Taako crosses and uncrosses his legs, giving Merle a dirty look.

“You had a concussion that took three healing spells.” Merle shrugs. “It got a little worrying after the second one didn’t wake you up.” Merle sounds nonchalant, but he’s looking at his chicken as he picks it apart.

“Three? Wow, I really did get clobbered.” Taako doesn’t really remember what happened, just that one moment they were running out of a collapsing cave and the next moment he was back in his bed.

“Yeah, you did.” Magnus is back, and he sets a spoon down in front of Taako, who takes it like he’s not that interested. Slowly, deliberately, he scoops up a spoonful of the fruit (apples? pears?) and puts it in his mouth. It’s sweet, mushy, and flavorful, although probably not as a result from good cooking. It’s definitely pears, Taako decides, and he swallows. He glances at Magnus and Merle, who aren’t really staring at him anymore, probably satisfied now that he’s eating. So Taako eats his fruit cup and hides the way his hands shake with every bite.

* * *

 

Taako is standing next to Angus, umbra staff extended as he demonstrates levitate, making one of the rocks they’d collected float a few inches above the table.

“See, it’s just a flourish and the incantation, no biggie.” Taako lowers the staff and stops the spell, letting the rock hit the table with a loud clank. Normally he’d keep it going to show off, but he’s not really feeling up to it. He’s got a pounding headache, and it feels like someone’s filled his veins with ice water, sluggishly freezing him. He needs his energy to act like he normally does-- no showing off for him today. 

Angus holds his wand out, brow furrowed and biting his lip. He does the flourish and says the incantation, a little out of rhythm, but the spell takes. The rock hovers shakily above the table for a few seconds before dropping down.

Taako claps his hands together. “Good one, Ango!” He twirls his staff around his hand and grins at the boy detective. “Now, try and see if you can levitate the whole table.”

Angus looks at him, anxiety in his eyes. “But, sir-”

“No buts!” Taako leans against his staff, trying to make it look like anything but him losing his balance a little. “Same spell, just with a little more  _ oomph _ .” Angus nods at him and raises his wand towards the table.

Taako knows the second that Angus starts the incantation that something is wrong. He’s totally mangled the pronunciation (probably Taako’s fault for not repeating it) and the wand movement is all wrong. Taako reacts as the first tongues of flame erupt from Angus’s wand, counterspelling with no hesitation and probably more energy than strictly necessary. Angus’s wand flies out of his hand and clatters to the floor as Taako topples over, his staff falling from his hands. He catches himself on hands and knees and blinks stars away from his eyes.

“Sir?! Are you okay?!” Angus sounds tearful, frantic. “I didn’t mean to! I promise, I didn’t mean to hurt you-”

“Ango,” Taako forces himself to sit back on his knees, look Angus in the face even though the room’s spinning. “Don’t worry about Taako. I’m fine!” He stands up, dusting himself off like it’s nothing. He feels like he’s going to fall over any second. 

“Sir, I may be just a boy, but I can tell when I’m being lied to.” Angus still looks worried, so worried. Taako feels something prickle along his spine. 

“I’m all good, Ango McDango. Let’s call off the magic lessons for today though. You good?” Taako grins at Angus, who smiles a watery smile back. 

“As long as you get some rest, sir.”

* * *

 

Taako has been doing... better. He made macarons and shared them, makes himself a smoothie every morning and drinks it. He makes sure to always eat in front of Merle and Magnus, even if it’s just a piece of fruit. Even though he doesn’t want to admit it, he misses hot food, salty savory food. But everytime he thinks about warm, roasted meat or thick, hearty stews, his throat closes up and he’s got the acrid scent of garlic in his nose. On spaghetti day, Taako can’t even go in the cafeteria. He thinks it’s stupid. It was the elderberries that did it, so shouldn’t fruit scare him and not meat, garlic, salt? His brain refused to work logically.

He’s in the cafeteria now, a smoothie in hand (strawberries, bananas, and peaches, all washed a hundred times with the skin peeled or sliced off, done completely without magic and the blender scrubbed with bleach, like he can keep from killing people if his workstation is clean enough) and Magnus sitting next to where he’s perched on the table. 

“Hey, Taako?” Magnus is watching him, chin resting on his palm and a look of childish curiosity on his face.

“Hmm?” Taako picks at his fingernails idly, trying not to think about the fact that he still has to get through half of his smoothie.

“How much do you weigh?” Magnus says it without any sort of judgement or underlying message, but Taako still freezes and sends him a dirty look.

“Don’t you know it’s impolite to ask that?” He sets his smoothie down on the table and tries not to think about how little sense it makes that he cares about his weight given  _ why  _ his eating is the way that it is.

Magnus raises an eyebrow. “Isn’t that just when you’re asking a girl?” He shrugs and looks down at the table. “Sorry. I was just wondering, since it’s pretty obvious you’ve lost weight.”

Taako stares at a spot in the air a few feet to Magnus’s right. “Is it?”

“Yeah.” Magnus switches hands, rubs the back of his neck. “Merle’s noticed too, asked me to talk to you about it. It’s uh. Getting a little concerning, honestly.”

Taako swallows. “I’ve lost weight, but it’s not the end of the world, my dude.” He doesn’t think it’s concerning. He still has some weight he could lose, probably.

“You probably shouldn’t lose any more.” Coming from anyone else, it might have sounded like a threat, but it doesn’t. Magnus picks at a loose thread on his pants.

“Sure thing, Mango. You got it.” Taako doesn’t feel particularly genuine.

* * *

 

After Refuge, Taako is not okay. He should feel better, like a weight’s been taken off his shoulders, but he can’t stop going through that night over and over again. It wasn’t a mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. Sazed did it on  _ purpose,  _ because of Taako, because of his personality. It wasn’t a mistake.

Taako can’t talk to anyone, even if he wanted to. Merle seems fine but, well, Merle is Merle. And Magnus, he’s worse. So much worse. He stares into space and leaves in the middle of training and starts crying in the middle of lunch. Taako couldn’t put this on him.

So Taako stops going to the cafeteria with the boys. There’s no point anyway. He’s just going to take up space, time, energy. Inevitably, he’ll grow despicable to them too, and while Merle and Magnus would  _ never  _ poison people out of spite, they would leave him. He knows it. So Taako eats a bite of apple here, a few strawberries there, some baby carrots when he can get his hands on them, and hides in his room during meal times. He tells them he’s practicing magic, but based on the looks they give him, they know that’s not it. 

They don’t want him there, anyway. He takes up too much space, makes too much noise. He’s infuriating. Sazed used to  _ love  _ him. He ruined it. He ruins everything. 

“Taako?” He jerks upright from where he’s sitting on his bed, surprised to hear Kravitz’s voice. He’s peering through the gap where Taako’s door isn’t quite shut, a frown on his human face. Taako pastes on a (probably unconvincing) smile.

“Come on in, hot stuff.” He pats the bed beside him, shows his teeth in a grin. Ever since their date at the Chug ‘n Squeeze, they’ve been seeing each other often. 

Kravitz shuffles into the room, sits next to Taako awkwardly. He doesn’t look him in the eye.

“What’s eating you?” Taako crosses his legs and dramatically leans in, not missing the irony in his own words.

“Um, Taako. I.” Kravitz swallows, adjusts his collar. He’s still wearing his dress shirt, and Taako suspects it’s all he owns. “I’m worried about you.”

Taako looks away, pretends that doesn’t send a cold chill down his spine. “What do you mean, homie?”

Kravitz shifts. “I’m worried that I’ll have to come and collect your soul for real soon.” He’s staring at his hands, and Taako swallows.

“I’m chill, don’t worry about old Taako. All’s good up in Taako-ville!” He knows he doesn’t sound convincing.

“I don’t know what happened to you three, but I’ve spoken to your friends, and-”

“Wait, you talked to them?!” Taako can’t believe this. He didn’t think his friends knew about Kravitz, didn’t think-

“I didn’t tell them anything! But Taako, I’m not the only one who’s concerned.” Kravitz rubs the back of his neck. “You’re sick.”

Taako stands up. “No, I’m not.” He’s not, he’s not. He deserves this.

“You can’t keep doing this!” Kravitz stands up too. “Please, Taako. Please just  _ try _ .” 

Taako swallows, bites back tears, looks away. “Get out.”

“Taako, I-” 

“No. Get  _ out _ .” Taako crosses his arms over his chest, hears the rift open, and he’s alone when tears start spilling down his face.

* * *

 

After it’s all over, Taako is not better. His problems do not magically go away when he remembers the stolen century, when he gets Lup back, when the Hunger dies. So when he’s at a team get-together, taking a break from his “job” at the school, he does not get any dinner.

“Taako, you should try the pasta. It’s  _ delightful _ .” Lup is grinning at him, holding up the tongs for the pasta she’d made by hand. He flashes a grin.

“None for me, Lulu. Taako’s good out here.” He doesn’t even have a plate in front of him. They’re all used to this by now, but Lup still tries every time.

“Oh, guys!” Magnus stands up excitedly. “You should all come to the Hammer and Tails next month ‘cause I’m hosting a big party for Johann’s birthday.” He sits back down, but he’s squirming a bit still. Taako watches Merle snort and Lucretia hide a smile behind her hand.

“We’ll  _ definitely _ be there!” Lup is looking over at Barry, who rolls his eyes and nods with a smile. Taako relaxes a touch. This, he can do.

The dinner is slow, but good. Everyone is talking and laughing, no eyes on Taako, no judgement. He’s not even sure they notice. When the food is finished, they all drift over to the living area, take up residence on the soft couches and plush armchairs. Conversation is light, and Taako finds himself dozing off, not really listening to the words around him until his name is called.

“Taako?” It’s Lucretia, her brow furrowed slightly. She’s biting her lower lip. Everyone is staring at him. Taako sits up, raises an eyebrow.

“Yes?” He has no idea what was asked of him.

“Lost ya there for a second, buddy.” Merle throws his soulwood arm over his shoulder and Taako winces as he’s jostled. He’s been fragile lately, bruises easily, gets tired too quick.

“We, ah.” Lucretia clears her throat. “We’ve been meaning to talk to you about your... habits.” 

Taako knows what this is about. “Have you been talking about me? I know the Taako brand is addicting, but there is a life outside of my fabulous franchise. A bleak life, but-” 

“We’ve been talking about you because you’re dying.” Barry pushes up his glasses as he talks, a grim look on his face. “It hurts to watch.”

“Then don’t.” Taako crosses his arms and scowls. “This is Taako’s business, not exactly a team affair.”

“Taako, we don’t want to lose you.” Lup sounds so sad. Taako feels something crawling up his throat, a bitter feeling. He swallows, shuts his eyes.

“You-” The words catch in his throat. “I killed forty people.”

“You saved a  _ world _ .” Lup’s hand comes to rest on his knee. 

Taako swallows. He feels warmth on his face. “I don’t want to talk about this.” He stands up, opens his eyes. Everyone stares at him as he walks out of the living room, back to the kitchen. He hears footsteps behind him.

“I can’t lose you, not again.” Lup is behind him, and she’s crying. Taako feels like he’s been stabbed.

“You’re not going to, I-” he breaks off, chokes back a sob. “I’m not going to  _ die _ .”

Lup shakes her head. “Yes, you are. You can’t do this forever.” She moves forward, arms out, and Taako moves to meet her. She’s warm, like the fire that spills from her fingers when she casts spells. Taako buries his face in her shoulder.

“I know.” He twists his hands in the fabric of her coat. “I know.”


End file.
